I really don't know what to call this

School taught me to drink more than is good for me.
But so lovely was my loneliness I must confess.
Like a comforting wave of poison,
self-inflicted and oddly instinctive.
Destruction is part of my construction.
Or so it would seem.

Idle care for my own welfare.
As I have no time for such things.
We'll see when death comes and what it brings.
And when it comes
My wanton spirit will not hear it when death speaks.
Shrieks and screams and cries will be as the winds floating by.
Never seen and rarely heard on it own.
Death will then leave alone.


Like a lite match thrown into gas.
My spirit was ablaze
Though but for a moment.
It was beautiful and and I enjoyed it.
Now a smoldering pile of ash.
The beauty is gone and it's never coming back.

The Lord said "You two can fuck yourselves"

Faith in humanity should be
Considered a symptom of insanity.
But that’s only if you ask me.

Interlude

The wind is blowing so hard. It shakes my door. Gill Scott-Heron is playing. The door bangs out of beat with the songs. The room is illuminated with a grey-white light. With the aide of lenses I can see textures I once could not. Through the floor I can hear my roommates laughing. The T.V is on too. A gust of wind blows the scent of spring in my room. Hopefully it will cover the smell of cigarettes and clean my room. 2:43. What an unproductive day. Time to silk-screen.

Becel is not butter

Pull down the blind
And find a comfortable spot on the bed.
Pull the blankets down over my head.
Close my eyes and see the imagery.
Shapes and sizes,
Colours and shades.
Amazed at what my brain has made.

The sun shines so brightly.
Slightly less enthusiastic than I should be.
Night is the day to me.
Insomniatic insanity.
I can still see the sun as it shines through
reflections of the moon
Like our bright star is wearing a costume.

Hours felt like a mere moment.
What was once cement is now smoke and dust.
As I wake I’m not sure what to trust.
In dreams there’s no need for such.
Violent shifts,
Quiet lifts.
And everything feels so real.

The sun shines so brightly.
Slightly less enthusiastic than I should be.
Night is the day to me.
Insomniatic insanity.
I can still see the sun as it shines through
reflections of the moon
Like our bright star is wearing a costume.
.
I wish I could sleep as much as I should.
I wish I could sleep, just cause I could.
I wish I could sleep, I might finally feel good.
I wish I could sleep.
I wish I could sleep.

The Fall of the Number 12 Tonight

Three of my favourite Math Music bands have broken up. I just found out. The Fall of Troy, The Number 12 Looks Like You and By The End Of Tonight. These bands were amaizing. I never had a chance to see By The End Of Tonight, it would have been fun. Instrumental music is always fun to see live. I got to the the Number 12 before they broke up. It was perfect. There was no one in the audience, but the band didn't care. They smiled and played and had a good time, or at least it looked like that. I'm not sure if Fall of Troy will be coming close enough to me to see them, but here's to hoping. I had a chance to see them a while ago, but at the time I didn't really care for them. I would have gone if Tera Melos was playing, which they were supposed to but they were canceled that night. Not enough time for them to play, it was an early show. Life works in funny ways. I'm glad Fall Of Troy broke up. They used to be a very good band, but the direction they took on their newest album was not my taste. It wasn't as technical, it didn't make your brain hurt in a good way. The Number 12 is a different story. They only got more interesting with time. It's a shame. It's a damn shame. I think I'll make Chili tonight...

The Moon cried

“Sunflowers only face the sun.
Hence the name.
You are the moon.
You won’t be the sun any time soon.
I know you think
“soon, soon, soon, sunflowers will look at me”
But that’s not a possibility.
You’re cold and grey and far away.
Your light is dim, grim and oddly beautiful.
That is true
The sun is bright, light, and beneficial.
Traditional views think it’s nicer than you.
Don’t get me wrong,
You are too,
But only wind and water get help from you.
I’m sorry,
But you will remain lonely.”


“I know.
I was just hoping so.
I’ll be quiet and stop crying.
Sorry for bothering you.”

I know, I know.

I know I said I wasn't going to write for a while, but I just read something that made me shiver. I laugh when I read a lot, get angered, but at the moment my brain is swirling, swaying, vibrating. In Slaughter House-Five there is a part when the protagonist is unable to sleep. He grabs champagne and watches television. On the T.V is a movie about World War II. This man, Billy, faught in the war, knew it all too well. The odd thing about the movie was that he, and only he, watched it in reverse. Fires all around, dead people too, children without parents, blood, sadness, no happiness or smiles. Then fighter jets fly overhead, sucking up all the fire, the explosions, they suck just hard enough that the dead rise to their feet again. Children are with their families. The jets then return to the fort. Bombs are taken off and put into boxes where they are shipped back to the manifacturing plant. These are then dismantled, jets too......... I wish. I wish....I wish.... this idea made me smile..........

Everything is Beautiful.

Just remember: Everything is beautiful. It always was, it will always be.

Childhood makes you humm....

In the mountains and the forest,
The wind sings in chorus.
In the street and side-walk,
The wind screams in double-talk.
It’s running out of lies.
No one notices, no one cries.

Hello, how are you today?

I got the the end of the path. A door stood. It just stood. Not held up by anything. I knocked. The door opened. Not knowing where my voice came from, and that I was using it:

"Well, Life, it was nice to meet you."
"It was nice to have you here"
"Thanks. Thats all I can say."
"You don't need to say anything, it was my pleasure. Will I see you again?"
"I hope so, but you never know. I think you only get one Life though..."
"Really? Well, I can always be your life, you can just call on me..."
"I think you have to call on me. I am the dependent, and you the independent variable. You give life to those you want, and take it away from those you don't."
"Is that really how this works?"
"I think so..."
"I'll have to look into that."
"Please do, and when you find out, let me know. Call on me. Give me life for another moment."
"I'll try to remember. But I can't promise anything. Here's you'r stuff back. Your death."
"Thanks....you can keep it, I'd rather have life."
"My pleasure, but I can't do that. I need to give it back. But know that you'll be missed."
"I understand. Till you breath into my lungs again." I said with a smile. Life smiled back. Closed the do.......

You called Lelay?

Oh my, so much time. Too much time. But time to spend well. Time to learn my instruments, time to learn to draw. Time to write about everything I ever saw. Learn to sing and play....the Ukulele. Need time everyday. Getting better I would say. Take my time. At the moments, time is easy to find. There is nothing to hide behind. Time to learn again.

Smile for your health!

Strange Days

Strange days,

Strange times.

Strange ways.

Strange rhymes.

Strange.

Daze Days

Where Am I And How Did I Get Here?

"Oh how the snow has blown"
I thought to myself.
It made me land somewhere I’ve never known.
I’m annoyed how paranoid I am because of this.
It’s beautiful here.
And I know I could stay.
But it’s better if I go away.
I fear that even though it may seem alright.
My thoughts will change by night
And then I will never find my way back.

I hear nice people talk.
But I continue to walk
Pay no attention.
Not to mention I have a look of disgust.
No one likes me here.
It’s pretty clear.
I don’t mind though,
I won’t stay here, I must go.

On the way I met someone much smarter than I.
Asked if the truth could be a lie.
I’m not a smart man.
Wise at times perhaps.
But I relapse into stupidity intermittently.
It certainly is a predicament.
I rarely follow my own advice.
It would be nice if I did.
But I’m just a little kid.
I can barely tie my shoes.
But anyway,
This is what I had to say:

The truth can be a lie.
It might not be meant that way.
But it’s sad to say and think like that
It might be truth that turns to lies in time.
Whether that is a lie
Remains in the eye of the beholder.

I said this with a smile.
We continued to talk a while.
I lost track of time.
And honestly that was fine.
It was too late to continue on.
The sun no longer shone.
But I realized.
Its when we don’t look,
Don’t care,
That we fare the best.

What if it's a lie?

What would happen if you found that you had been lying to yourself, or perhaps certain things that you hoped for and were taught were lies? I’ve been thinking a lot about relations between people. It’s a very complex issue. You hear all the time true love does not exist, or there is no such thing as love, etc. I believe true love does exist. I believe it is possible to stay with someone for life, but it’s hard. There are a lot of sacrifices that have to be made. But the more I think about it, and the more my life seems to change as a result of outside forces, I think that a lyric from the Born Ruffians’ song Plinky Plonky is more and more true. The lyric is “What if you found out that your father lied? That there’s no true love for life? But you go on looking, your heart in hand.” Simple as these lines may be, to me, they are an interesting look on the idea. The important thing in this lyric is that it states “for life” meaning you can have true love, it is possible, but there is an obvious problem: the likelihood of true love being maintained is slim to nil. I think that this is a very sad reality, and if one knows this, how can one have a real relationship? I mean, if you know something is going to end, and most likely cause a lot of pain when it does, why would one continue? I’m not saying here that relationships are useless and that a person should not be in romantic relationships, but it does cause a serious problem. Both parties know that everything will end eventually, and this might not be the case for all, but for most. So how does that make each person feel? I don’t know. I guess the point is to have fun while you can, and not worry about the future. One day things will work out. They have to. It's not possible otherwise. I still believe that true love can last a life time. I still believe that people can be together forever. I still believe “all you need is love.” Call me naïve, call me a child, call me a romantic, call me retarded. But even if I’m wrong, at least I can fall back on true love is real, but it won’t necessarily be “true love for life.” Though I will always have “[my] heart in hand” to give to you.

Lessons to Learn

We destroyed the place you love
We needed to grow out, not above.
The prairie field could never yield this kind of profit.
Why be sorry,
Money is the priority.

Protected lands
Are no match for greedy hands.
We’ve learned this well from our many business plans.
So as it stands-
Everything has a price.
It might not be nice, but that’s what you’ve let us become.
And honestly, it makes business a lot more fun.

Complain all you want.
You can’t haunt me.
How did you think I got here?
Spreading cheer and truth?
No, I lied, I killed, I cheated.
Evil is never defeated.
Shut up, and stay seated.
I’m speaking.
It’s time you learned
How so much money can be earned.

There is a right way to do the wrong thing.
String along contractors and ware them down.
Make sure 2% of the funds are never found.
That money is bound for my pocket.

The land we buy is sub par.
And often it’s not far from where you least like to live.
A landfill, or chemical waste site,
Protected and contested land would do us just right,
Maybe a flood plane.
At one point that was hard.
Disclosure was such a pain.
But now, we found out how to get around it again.

We cut corners,
We cut cost,
And yes, some of the quality is lost,
But that takes time.
When it happens it’s out of our sight, and therefore out of our mind.
You should have done the research.

Someone will find out.
And it’s all the media will talk about.
But, it doesn’t hurt us in the end.
You got a bargain, and that’s something we can defend.

We’ll take a hit,
But that’s about it.
All things fade in time.
And more land will be mine.
Building that way we do.
Making more houses for you.
Lying, killing and cheating.
But you'll feel safe sleeping.
It's out of sight.

Service With A Smile

Give me your money.

I'll hold it for safe keeping.

I promise a return.

Give you more than you earn.

But in place, I will set a fee.

Safe keeping isn't free.

True, what I give you

Is less than the revenue it generated.

But here's a slogan"Your business is appreciated"

Hope that made you feel good.

Our marketing team said it should.

What a good deal!

It’s a fucking steal!

Make money off money that’s not ours!

Controlling political powers!

We’re so fucking smart.

We made stealing into art.

You need all your money?

Well, it's sort of funny.

We don't have it.

It was never really here.

There's nothing I can do my dear.

It was an investment and you gave consent.

What I can do is give you credit.

It'll make you indebted,

But you can have the things you don't need!

It'll give you all that you desire.

And true interest rates will go higher.

But till it's repo'ed, you'll have more than you sewed.

What a good deal!

It’s a fucking steal!

Make money off money that’s not ours!

Controlling political powers!

We’re so fucking smart.

We made stealing into art.

I don’t really careIf it’s not fair.

People can rely on social welfare.

It’s never my fault.I

t's the economy

It was never me

We never spent frivolously

Sorry for any inconvenience.

Vegans wearing Nike

I walked by a store and found talk was on sale.
Shares are down…..fucking retail.
As I passed I held my breath.
People tried to talk to me
Tell me their thoughts,
They obviously bought a lot of talk.
I want mine to increase in value.
So I speak little.

I see vegans wearing Nike,
Peace protestors starting fights.
Vegetarians sporting leather,
And happy people under the weather.
It’s all so confusing, maybe more so for them.
Believe we are right,
Believe it till it’s out of sight.
Just so we can go to sleep at night.

“I don’t eat fast food, it’s barbaric, do you?”
“They rape and maim, those companies have no shame.”
“It’s immoral to eat, but it’s ok to wear it on my feet”
“I buy from the country I reside, for that I can take pride”
51% is a dishonorable pass, but feeling good as it hides my ass.
The food from the store is the same as any fast food whore.
The gas we buy kills everything alive, but “I need a car to drive”
Talk is always on sale.

I see vegans wearing Nike,
Peace protestors starting fights.
Vegetarians sporting leather,
And happy people under the weather.
It’s all so confusing, maybe more so for them.
Believe we are right,
Believe it till it’s out of sight.
Just so we can go to sleep at night

There’s no way to live a perfect life,
But your opinions are your own, please don’t cause strife.
If you don’t eat meat, or dairy,
If you only ride a bike,
If you don’t eat fast food.
I support you, just don’t be rude.
I could say a million angry words
That might hurt and cause some pain,But I won’t because in the end it’s all just the same

AHHHHH

Yellow nicotine teeth.
Brown fingers and wrinkles on my face.
I smoke too much.
I don’t eat enough.

Saggy skin.
Blood red eyes are no surprise.
I don’t sleep.
Instead I hit the bottle deep.

Drink, smoke, die.
Havin fun while alive.
For how long? Who knows.
Destined to self destruct.
With my luck, I’ll just fail again.

Need for pain
A rush, a brush with death.
I don’t care enough.
Nothing to do with being tough.

Warped mind,
Scared, bloody body.
Temporary times.
Sanity’s too hard to find.

Drink, smoke, die.
Havin fun while alive.
For how long? Who knows.
Destined to self destruct.
With my luck, I’ll just fail again.

Long dirty hair.
Smells like toke smoke and dirt.
I don’t care.
I don't want to be anywhere.

Sleep...can we be friends again? I think you're killing me.

I haven't been sleeping for the past little while. At first it was fine, but everyday just gets worse. I see things that might not really be there; I hear things and interpret things that were never said. I say things I don't want to say! I'm a mess..... I don't feel tired when I know I should sleep. It feels ok to not sleep. But then I do for a little and I feel more fucked up than before I did. I hate it. I want to sleep. I want to feel ok, but currently I can't. Everyone says "is there something on your mind?" Not really. I don't think when I lay in bed. I just lay there, unable to close my eyes for more than 20 minutes at a time. It's not dreams that are waking me because I can't remember any of them. I've been spacing out hard. I miss blocks of time. At one point I missed 10minutes. I wasn't high on drugs. I wasn't drunk. I'm just fucked. I miss sleep. I miss being me. I'm just a mess.......